Revenge of the Sith reviewed - I Had A Bad Feeling About This

A lot of people have been saying good things about Revenge of the Sith. I will not be one of them. If you want to be lied to read your local free paper's review.

First of all this is the type of film that requires beer before and after viewing. Keep that in mind when you go to see it. I recommend at least two before and as many as you can afford afterwards.

I decided to go and see Episode III on opening night. Mostly because I didn't want to hear a ton of crap about it before seeing it, and because it was a Thursday and there wasn't much else to do. Surprisingly, after pre-ordering tickets. the 9:15 showing wasn't sold out. Not even close actually. This could be for numerous reasons, a) it was a Thursday, b) the movie is playing in every theater on the planet, c) everyone has already downloaded it, or d) small children aren't up that late. I'd go with d.

After, literally, 35 minutes of Volvo and cell phone advertisements and 3 horrifically bad trailers the big moment arrives. I am here not because I want to be, but because I have to be. Cue bombastic symphony that we know so well, followed by familiar scrolling text....and even a timid applause from the audience. (I still fail to see why people clap in movie theaters.) I am assuming that it came from the goobers who camped out for a week to buy tickets to a showing that wasn't even sold out.

For the next two hours nothing amazing occurs. At all. Lucas can't be faulted for this, we already know what's going to happen...just not how. So it is in a way anti-climatic from the start. At no point did I fear for Obi-Wan's life or expect Anakin to make the right decisions. So, what does transpire? Heaps of bad acting and dialogue, as predicted in a previous article about this subject, and a mammoth display of already been done special effects and action sequences. Plus light saber ballets to end all light saber ballets. Oh, and some romantic scenes that make one think of chewing broken glass. All topped off by a James Bond-esque Ewan McGregor and the whiniest Star Wars character (Anakin) ever, even whinier than Luke if you can believe. We are talking mega-whiny sniveling baby here.

The setting: Space...somewhere near some planets, you will not be able to figure this out. Don't even try. Just go with wherever they are and how they got there. It is also about 20 years before Episode IV, depending on how old you make Luke and Leia out to be. Don't think about this either. Seriously, DON'T! If you do - nothing will make sense at all.

Lucas seems to have abandoned his concept of the "used future" that he effectively established in the original films. Everything is shiny and new in this one. (Except for an oddly placed 70's couch complete with throw pillows in the Skywalker apartment.) In fact there is so much new, shiny stuff all the time you get sick of it and crave the simplicity of the Millenium Falcon. Badly.

Characters: Well, I was hoping for some Admiral Ackbar but alas no. There are a lot of those stupid droids that look like desk lamps - although they try to be funny, which is tragic. We get some sort of kind of stormtroopers...kind of sort of. There is a new bad guy, called General Grievous. (Yes, it seems naming characters has seen better days.) He is something of a poor man's Darth Vader, 95% robot, 5% something else. He coughs a lot, annoyingly, and at one point actually says, "Jedi slime." Then there are a lot of useless creatures of various shapes and colors that all have awkward cartoon voices. Mostly it's the same old bunch from 1 and 2.

The Plot: Well, the plot is that Whinikin Skywalker will becomes Darth Vader, the Emperor will take control of the galaxy, Chewbacca will be introduced, Lucas' vision of an all Wookie planet will be realized, Luke and Leia will be born, Leia will be given to King Organa, Luke will be given to Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen, Yoda will go into exile, Obi-Wan will become a hermit on Tattooine, the jedis will be hunted down and killed, C3PO and R2-D2 will be given to Captain Antilles, and the Death Star construction will be started. Sound familiar? Of course most of this happens in the last 5 minutes of the film so there is plenty of time devoted to killing robots and the unnecessary introduction of new characters and their eventual killing, as well as the killing of just about all the old characters EXCEPT....fucking Jar-Jar Binks. Who makes two special appearances for reasons unknown.

Personal Opinion: This film had to be made. And we all have to see it. We have no choice. We have to visually see the set up of the good movies by watching the bad ones, or as R Panda referred to them as "Star Wars Jr." Obviously, Revenge of the Sith is better than Episodes 1 and 2, but that isn't saying a whole lot. It is all at once confusing and difficult to grasp as well as anti-climatic and a little too simple and forced. (This is clearly seen when we find out where Anakin gets the name Darth Vader. prepare your best dumbfounded expression now.) However, Lucas does manage to fill in the gaps and bring us to Episode 4....in an almost understandable way. Most things are touched upon and dealt with - albeit hurriedly and confusingly. It makes one wonder why so much of 1 and 2 were filled with useless filler instead of furthering the development of the story and leaving everything for the last minute and cramming it into Episode 3. With that said, Revenge of the Sith is not horrible, but it is also not as good as it could have been. I was left with a feeling that this movie was not made to be enjoyed, it was made because it was expected of George Lucas to make something for all his fans, young and old. Unfortunately, he misses the mark of his original fans....again....for the last time.

Mindre Panda rating - 

Compared to Episodes I and II - 

Best Bit - "Execute order number 66."
Worst Bit - Every scene with Natalie Portman.

Things To Look For:
1. The line, "Good relations with the Wookies, I have."
2. A horribly executed cliffhanger by Ewan McGregor.
3. A giant lizard beast making the most annoying sound you have ever heard over and over and over again...
4. A Wookie doing a Tarzan impersonation. (I shit you not)
5. R2-D2 having super powers.
Bonus- So many failed attempts at comic relief they are beyond count.

K. Panda