This SVT Olympics Coverage is Absolutely Shit

Firstly I have to get this out of the way. I'm British. None of this is me being "sore" or a "bad loser". It is physically impossible to actually perform half the sports in the Winter Olympics in the UK, so it isn't surprising that we're not exactly world leaders. Secondly I'm certainly not anti-Swede or anti-Sweden. If I was then I really don't think I'd still be living here after over six years. I like it here, but that doesn't mean it is perfect.

Now you may just have noticed that the 2006 Winter Olympics are on at the minute and if you're, like me, in Sweden you may just have noticed that Sweden are having their most successful Olympics ever and have finally trounced Finland and Norway in the medals table after years of underachieving.

Here in Sweden the state television company SVT has the rights to cover the games. In terms of coverage hours they are doing a damn fine job, you can turn the TV on at around nine in the morning and keep going until midnight. Unfortunately, that's just about the only thing they have got right.

It really is quite difficult to know where to start with explaining how bad the coverage is, but I'll go with the commentating (announcing to our American readers). Seeing as I have been in Sweden for a fair few years now I have used a lot of the main English immigrant websites and the quality of the commentating has always been up for discussion. I've always been a bit of an apologist for the Swedes and have tried to defend them by pointing out things like how when you an foreigner in another country it is easy to mistake excitement for prejudice and how, let's face it, commentators are a little bit prejudiced everywhere. However this Olympics I have moved away from that position. It has definitely changed.

Maybe it is my British background, with the emphasis on politeness and formality that we use for such occasions and, to be honest, public speaking in general, but the prejudice shown by the Swedish commentators has crossed the line. Anything involving Sweden, be it something fast like ice hockey or something more sedate like curling, now has to involve a commentator screaming into the microphone. Seriously screaming, as in "causing distortion" screaming. They honestly seem to have no other way of showing interest or excitement. If this is the standard of modern Swedish commentary they'll never again hear a classic line such as "They think it's all over - it is now" as what they are saying no longer seems to be of any importance. And the anger, dear me the anger. It is now de facto to pair commentators who don't seem to actually like each other, as if the only way they can discuss what is going on is if they have polar opposite viewpoints. As a viewer I just don't need to be shouted at so I can get involved in the sport, the sport itself is good enough. These people need to learn why they are there, they are not the main attraction. They feel like spoilt children craving attention but all they do is annoy and irritate.

Then we move on to the studio. It seems that someone has been watching too much MTV and decided "ooh, that talking to people off the camera is fun, the kids love that". Christ people, no-one in the history of broadcasting has looked big, clever, amusing or interesting in general by talking to people off-camera. It is the first thing a bad presenter does, panicking about how to maintain the essential "grooviness" that they really shouldn't be craving. This is the Olympics, not Total Request Live.

It is with immense sadness that I have seen over the past twenty years the way broadcasting has tried to humanise its presenters. Apparently they have to seem to be "one of us", no longer one of the "expert commentators" (as they like to call them here) that can explain things to us. It is all about entertainment now and apparently the sport is not entertainment enough. But the ineptitude of SVT takes this to whole new levels. We now have distance shots of the studio, complete with cameras and floor personnel, accompanied with "humourous" discussion from the staff that just makes you look at your partner and say "what? why?". Personally - and I do apologise as this is a somewhat overused phrase - I blame reality TV and the way it has somehow made us believe that presenters no longer need to be talented or have anything interesting to say.

And please guys, I've been watching sport for nearly three decades now. I know that it is easy to throw together a "funny clips" piece, so we no longer need to see that damn ski trick jumping guy have his skis fly off mid jump. It was funny the first time but now it really has got boring. Building comedy from repeating images is an art form and I'm afraid you lot just haven't got it. I'll tell you what was also funny though, that Swedish snowboarder who jumped the gun at the start of her race ("I think a mobile phone went off", my arse) and went head first after hitting the barrier. Why haven't we seen that repeated ad infinitum complete with "amusing" commentary, huh?

But face it guys, you're presenters are just no comedians so please stop trying to portray them as ones. That guy sitting on his special chair only makes me laugh in that wonderful way that also involves me weeping for the passing soul of humanity. He isn't funny, he isn't interesting and why on earth is he sitting on his own little pedestal? Sorry, I correct myself, his own special pedestal with criminally artificial home furnishings behind him, like fake books for God's sake, that wouldn't look out of place in the very worst wannabe Irish pub.

The very worst thing though has to be this applause thing that they have started. For the uninitiated, whenever a Swede has performed well and they cut back to the studio they show one of their new-fangled distance shots of the set and everyone cheers. Why are they cheering? If they're cheering the Swede doing well then surely they'd have done that after the performance? Or maybe they did and the cheer has gone on for so long that they are still doing it when they cut back to the studio. Between you and me though, I think there is a slight chance it is a cringe-worthy attempt to stir up some passion in that stilted, schlager-loving way that Swedish TV seems to revel in. It feels like a political rally with the off-screen members of the Young Social Democrats cheering so as to give the image of support when everyone else just looks around and says "you what?".

I know how this'll all end though. Someone is going to add a comment below about how this has been going on with the BBC for years and I somehow didn't notice it. To be honest I think I'd prefer that to the rather less pleasing idea that SVT Sport is self-destructing and the desire to appeal "to the kids" rather than offer genuine sports coverage has now even infected the state broadcaster. One can only hope.

M Panda