How To Get Thrown Out Of A Pub (By A Celebrity)
Listen up kids and you may learn something. The next time you and your 17 year old friend decide to try and get served beer at a pub, make sure you don't ask for the bouncer's autograph first.
So, I'm out last weekend at a bar over on Götgatsbacken when something that goes beyond dumb happens. I was standing outside the bar when two kids came up to me and ask if I know the bouncer at the place and whether or not I could ask him to come outside. Yeah, I know him, but why do you want me to ask him to come outside. "Because we can't go inside", they tell me. Ahh, they're not 18. E. Panda is not satisfied and wants to know why they need to see him. "It's a bit embarassing, but we're big fans," they say. What? Big fans? Big fans of what? His ability to bounce, to wear a big coat, to stand outside when it's -8? But, no. It turns out that the bouncer at our local pub is noneother than a minor celebrity from a number of reality TV shows here in Sweden. I had no idea. I guess I don't watch enough total shit television to know that type of thing. Now, I'm intrigued by this, not least by the Post-It notes and pens the two kids are brandishing with the hopes of getting the guy's autograph.
I'm a nice guy, so I go inside and tell Mr. Celebrity Bouncer that a couple of big fans are outside and want to see him. He acts like this happens all the time and (a little too professionally) goes out and says hello and signs their Post-It notes. Over and done with. So, I thought.
About 15 minutes later E. Panda and I are sitting down drinking our beer at a table for four when we see one older guy and the two kids come in. The older guy goes to the bar and the two kids sit down at our table. I already know that these two are underage, but anybody would have guessed it within two seconds by the way they were acting. (If they had been actors in a movie doing nervous and selfconcious they would have won an Oscar.) They are fidgeting and looking around and whispering to each other when they notice us. They introduce themselves, which is a bit irrelevant since we talked to them like 15 minutes ago. They have apparantely forgotten all about this. It turns out one of them is from Spain, so there is some confused English going on between them. My money is on the fact that one of them was in fact not from Spain, and that this was part of their very poorly constructed idea of how to get some beer.
About 5 minutes goes by and the older guy who had gone off to buy their drinks still hasn't returned to the table. The kids are looking like they are gonna cry. Have they been stiffed? A waitress comes by and asks if they need anything, and the one kid (the Swedish one) actually has the nerve to tell her that he's my brother. What the F? He should have been thrown out right there, since the waitress is more than familiar with the fact that I'm not Swedish, so the odds of me having a Swedish speaking younger brother are pretty slim. The little punk is beginning to annoy me.
After what seems like ages the older guy finally comes to the table with the beer, two cheap ones for the little babies and a pint of Guinness for the criminal. Swedish Baby asks the guy if he kept the change. "Good, good. Yeah, keep the change. Thanks man. Thanks." Hmm...don't arouse any suspicion or anything. I'm beginning to realize that this is not going to end in a good way for these two. As soon as Mr. Celebrity Bouncer gets a glimpse of them they're gone, which shouldn't be too long since the morons took a seat right next to the door.
The criminal and the babies are having some sort of half discussion about the one guy who is from Spain (who oddly takes an interest in minor Swedish reality TV show stars), when the inevitable finally happens. MCB gets a glimpse of them and comes over. It turns out he wasn't at the door when they came in, and now he needs to see some ID. In this same moment Swedish baby is out the door already leaving Spanish baby on his lonesome to pull off a very amature fumbling through his pockets and saying, "I forgot it", routine. "You have to go. You can't be in here," says MCB. "Neither one of you can be in here. I wasn't at the door when you came in. You don't have any ID. Get out." This show is getting good.
Spanish baby reluctantly sets off to join Swedish baby outside where they stand right in front of the window by our table looking like a couple of bad circus clowns and motioning towards the criminal in a sort of "Huh, wha, what do we do now? Wait, our beers", way. The criminal just shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "Tough luck kids. I stuck my neck out for you, too bad." The babies wander off down the street leaving us to sit alone with the criminal and two hardly touched large beers. The waitress comes by and asks if we want them, going so far as to say to the criminal, "You paid for them, you can have them." He tells her she can leave them on the table. As what? A reminder?
Nothing more of interest happens that night. Except maybe that the guy we are now sitting with keeps singing random verses from Public Enemy songs and trying to think of how to avoid mentioning the two minors he bought beer for. At least he got a Guinness out of it.
So, there you have it kids. Seriously, if you want to drink beer on a Friday night don't make it known to the bouncer that you're underage before sneaking into a bar. Even if you do ask for his autograph.
Epilogue
I wonder if those two even bothered to keep his autograph after the whole thing. Maybe. Perhaps they are now known around school as the two guys that got MCB's autograph and then got thrown out of the bar he works out by him. Well done babies, I hope you're proud of yourselves.
K. Panda
