People of Stockholm, Your Attention Please (Part 1)

Urskäkta mig and förlåt are fantastic phrases. For the uninitiated, approximate English translations are excuse me and sorry. To me, as a Brit, these are the very cornerpieces of my existence. I cannot function without them, I spend half the day apologising for the sheer existence of myself.

Swedes seem to be confused by this. You see the first golden rule of living in Sweden is that at no point is it a Swede's fault. Remember that and you will go far. This works doubly, no triply, no Goddam it let's hit quadrupally well, for Stockholmers. They are not only Swedish but they are the premiere Swedes, the Swedes that all others look on towards, aspire to become. That is why teenagers in Gävle practive their nasal twang, so one day they can move to Stockholm and pretend to be one of them.

And these people apologise to no-one.

The absolute best you are going to get is "oy oy oy oy oy". Don't confuse this with any sort of apology, oh little non-Swedish speaking scamp that you are. This is an expression of shock, much akin to what is said when Sven is watching AIK yet again sky the ball over the bar into Row Z during their latest attempt to get relegated.

If you are yourself a Stockholmer then the correct response is to either say "oy oy oy oy oy" yourself, which frankly is the best conversation some of these people seem to get, or to just ignore it completely and walk through the next available person.

If you are a foreigner then the correct response is to apologise in a non-animated voice in Swedish if you can, else English. Failing that your local language and a really sorry look on your face. Offer your arm showing that the other person is free to go past you.

Unfortunately that person is already past you and now out of hearing range as they frankly didn't give a shit about anything that just happened.

So there, that's lesson one in Stockholmers. You can try to enter some kind of meaningful dialogue if you get the occasionally smacked up enough chap who'll stop to stay, but generally life becomes being walked in to. A few months/years down the line you may try some of the variants, including shouting obscenities so everyone within a mile radius can hear (I can personally vouch for the effectivness of that fella) and the most awful of the lot...

Whoever came up with "When in Rome ..." should have been shot at dawn. The answer IS NOT to just steam through them the way they steam through us.

Then you become one of them.

M Panda