People of Stockholm, Your Attention Please. (Part 4)

Just for the love of God, get rid of all that damn black. No, I'm not about to launch into a long-winded and potential career-destroying racist tirade. I'm talking black clothes. On Swedes. Yes, yes, I understand that the fashion viewpoint is that you just can't go wrong with black, but it also doesn't work when every sodding one of you decides to go black at the same time.

I mean, seriously. I can normally handle summers when the kids wear all the same clothes as everyone else (apparently standing out is anti-Jantelagen or some other pitiful excuse), but when it comes to winter time the kids are wearing exactly what their parents are. BLACK. This is unless you come from Östermalm where the jacket of choice, our lovely Canada Goose, come in a range of colours. INCLUDING BLACK. (Guess which ones the kids go for).

Since when did wearing the exact same stuff as your parents become cool? Did H&M send out a memo which, as usual propogated throughout the entire youth of the country instructing them as to what they shall wear no matter how shit it is? Cos clearly, as always, the sheep followed the leader and have done for all of the six years I've lived here.

My (Swedish) girlfriend found herself jacketless for a wedding in Bremen, Germany a couple of weeks ago. So what did her parents do? No shit, they bought her a black winter coat in Bremen's local H&M store. IT DOES NOT GET MORE SWEDISH THAN THIS AND THEY WERE IN BLOODY GERMANY. THEY DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ANY GERMAN STORES. And she wears it. A respectable 20-*cough*ish young woman adding herself to the line of sheep under orders from her darling Mummy and Daddy, both of whom also go out in BLACK COATS.

Seriously, have you idiots actually looked at the sun rise and set times over winter in Sweden? THERE IS NO SODDING LIGHT. THE LAND IS PLUNGED INTO DARKNESS AS IF WE ARE AWAITING THE COMING OF SATAN HIMSELF. So clearly, the best thing to do is get a wee reflector in the shape of a snowflake and hang it off your black jacket.

No. Just no.

The correct thing is to wear light coloured jackets in the first sodding place, giving anyone else in the country a cat in hell's chance of actually seeing you. AND GUESS WHAT? You get to augment those with reflective snowflakes as well if you like.

And a special mention goes out to those twenty-something ladies who go out with their bleached blonde hair, black coat and pink scarf. It looked vaguely attractive in 1999 when I moved here but, just between you and me, it has got a bit old. GET A NEW LOOK. My MUM changes her look more often than you and your sheep friends. And my Mum's CATHOLIC.

So there you go. People of Stockholm, your attention please. Sort it out.

M Panda