Respect For And Proper Usage Of English Profanity

WARNING: If you are offended by expletives please do not read any further, as this article contains a lot of them. In fact, it contains 42 uses of profanity.

People, people, you have to stop destroying the beautiful tradition that is swearing in the English language. (I'm talking to you Sweden.) C'mon now, if you want to take our curse words and work them into your vocabulary, even your Swedish vocabulary, you're gonna have to use them properly. None of this lazy throwing out of the word fuck as if it was a mild form of negativity. The same goes for shit, at least contemplate what you're using it for before you use it. Seriously, you're totally fucking the shit up.

Using profanity is a privilege not a right. You have to earn it by showing that you know when and when not to use your potty mouth, and you must prove that you know which form of which expletive to use at that time. You can't use fuck you as a comical phrase. It doesn't work that way. You may not have any relation to it, but guess what, everyone who has English as a first language, and there's a lot of us, does. So when you write it in the paper we have two reactions. First we notice it immediately, and second, we make the judgement that the person who wrote it needs to be educated a bit more.

Case in point, I made the mistake of actually reading the shit that Anne Haavisto wrote in City today under the guise of a "Commentary". And what I wanted to do when I was fucking done reading it was have a conversation with her. Fortunately, I don't know her, because I wouldn't really know what to say if I did. So instead I have opted for the more cowardly approach and am writing this commentary about her commentary entitled "Fula och trötta mammors forum" (Ugly and tired mothers forum.) Mine is entitled "Show somefucking respect and shit".

First off, as I said, this is in City, which is a free paper here in Stockholm that is given out to commuters. It is not the fucking New York Times. And second off I have nothing against the shit she wrote, I have something against how she fucking wrote the shit.

The commentary is about her friend's great idea to start a forum for mothers who don't enjoy the whole pregnancy thing. The ones who feel awful, look awful, and are not reveling in the joy of motherhood. (Her friend is pregnant, and is obviously not goo goo for baby waby shit.) That's all fine. I have nothing against her making this point to, hmm let's see, according to City, 600,000 fucking people in the Stockholm area. I don't care if she advocates taking a shit on a church altar, she can write whatever she wants. And if City wants to publish it, hey, what-fucking-ever. BUT, when she uses the words fuck you five times I take objection. How does she manage to use fuck you five fucking times in an article about a forum for disinterested and disgruntled mothers to be? Well, the name of the website where the ugly and tired mothers forum would be would be called Fuckyou-parents.com. I shit you not.

Now, if you are a native English speaker, what is the first fucking thing you notice about that fucked up shit? Well, for one, you are probably wondering why in the world Anne Haavisto chose that name? Why she couldn't come up with something that didn't involve the words fuck you or was at least in Swedish is something else you may be wondering. I mean, she is a Swedish journalist not an Australian prisoner and shit. And lastly you are probably marvelling at the rather sad fact she didn't even use the fucking phrase properly.

Honestly, if you want to say the parents are not happy, you can't say fuck you parents. Because that means you are saying fuck you to the parents. And to be frank, that is probably not going to attract parents to your forum. That will more than likely attract angry teenagers, and the attention of anyone lobbying for good taste. It will also make people think the creator is pretty fucking immature.

I'm not really sure what she was trying to say by calling it Fuckyou-parents.com, maybe Parents-who-say-fuck-you-to-parenthood.com or maybe some shit like Fuck-being-pregnant.com. Who fucking knows, and who fucking cares. The whole point is she shouldn't have used it at all, not even in a proper context. Why? Becuase, the words are not to be lightly thrown around. They hold some weight. They aren't funny little phrases that are cool to use. They are terms that are deemed not suitable for young children. They are not allowed on TV in America, or on the radio. They are not used in newspapers in any English speaking country. And they are the treasured heirlooms of hundreds upon hundreds of years of English profanity. They are to be respected, and used wisely and properly. If you want to make your point by swearing then do it in your own language, don't hide behind the misuse of ours.

The Swedish film Fucking Åmål wasn't called Fucking Åmål in English speaking countries, it was calledShow Me Love. In fact they even went so far as to take the title sequences out. That should be enough of an example for you to realize the difference between proper fucking usage of profanity and improper fuckingusage of profanity.

Now, Anne Haavisto, if you're reading this. I put all the fucks and shits in bold for a reason. It is to show you what it looks like when you use profanity in a piece of journalistic work. This is how people who know the etiquette of swearing in English see your commentary (and shit.)

Seriously though, you're going to run across a very embarassing situation if you so loosely throw out profanity in front of native English speakers. Martin Kellerman illustrates this quite well in this Rocky comicstrip.

K. Panda