"Strip Sex Nuclear Dance On Ice" With Torvill And Deane

That was the BBC's come back in the battle between TV stations for higher ratings. Well, it was according to Jerzei Balowski on the Young Ones 20 odd years ago. The stupid title, and the awful image it conjures up, certainly makes you interested. In fact it is so stupid it would fit in perfectly with all the utter crap they are putting on TV nowadays.

Don't worry I'm not going to go on a tirade about all the useless reality TV shows these days. Bitching about them has become pretty much as annoying as they are themselves. Instead I'm going to bitch about their competition. Which is probably even worse.

To be honest I don't even watch TV, I say that not in the way that vegetarians have to tell you they are vegetarian as soon as you say bacon and then have to constantly remind you of that fact every time you eat any meat. I say it in the way one says,"I don't listen to the radio."

What does that mean? It means that I own a TV, but I only watch it when there is actually a reason to. I can't just turn on the TV and watch whatever the hell is on. Because unless it's World War II Week on the History channel or a major sporting event there is pretty much nothing on that I am interested in.

However, there are those people out there that do watch television the way some people can listen to the same radio station all day long every day. People that scan the newspaper in the morning to see what's on after work, go home and watch it and then discuss it during lunch the next day at work. I don't know how they do it.

Today in the free paper I read about a show called Sex Inspectors. Yes, that is what it's called and it's actually a British show. It's not a reality TV show, well it's reality, but it's not Big Brother reality. It falls into the category of shows that are disguised as, I don't know, motivational? Or self help? Or even educational? It's hard to say. However, I'm pretty sure that people are watching it for other reasons. (The paper calls it a "relations program". What is this Brave New World?)

In the show a couple have sex, not a shock. The sex is filmed, not a shock. It's not porn. Huh? No, no, no, that would be too easy, and anyways there is plenty of that already. (This is where it gets controversial and kind of freaky.) The filmed sex is shown to a couple of sex therapists who in turn judge it and give the couple advice on how to improve it...

If you are not at all even the slightest bit turned off on the idea of watching such a train wreck, then well, by all means stop reading this. I for one find this about as tasteless as it gets. Seriously, I don't say that in a prudish puritanical Victorian way, I say that in a, "Why the hell do I want to watch two normal people get advice about the way they have sex?", way. That would be like watching your neighbors golf swing videos, and listening to his coach tell you about how Ted could improve his swing.

Maybe I'm missing something here. I haven't actually seen the show. But, apparently 620,000 Swedes didn't miss it when it first aired here in Sweden. A number that was so high that now TV4 wants to make a Swedish version. (What a surprise.)

620,000? Who is watching this? Are there actually couples sitting on the couch together seriously taking notes? Or is this being watched by a bunch of perverts? Maybe it's bored stay at home moms. Who knows. What I wonder is if this is actually beneficial to anyone besides the couple involved, and if not why the F is it on TV?

Has television actually reached rock bottom? I used to complain about how bad Full House was, but this is a whole new ball game. How much worse can television get if this is how far they have to stretch to get viewers? Yes, sex sells, duh, but taste is also recommended. I don't know. All I know is the Swedish version is going to be bad. (The Swedish version of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy lasted all of one episode.) It's going to be so terribly, terribly bad.

They are currently looking for couples interested in being on the show. You should read that as: couples interested in having a lot of people watch them have sex which could be a lot better than it currently is. Oh, they are also looking for the sex therapists, or shall we say porn judges. No word on the qualifications required for either of these rolls.

Can you imagine talking to your partner about going on this show? That should be the show. A show where they record a couples debate about whether or not it would be helpful for their relationship to have sex with some judges watching and then get some pointers on how to improve their "game". I imagine that going down over dinner and drinks. Here's an excerpt:

Björn: This chicken is really bad.
Lisa: Not as bad as our sex.
Björn: (Mouth open, and stupid expression) Whaaa?
Lisa: We are not having the type of sex we should be having. I think we could do a whole lot better.
Björn: Well, umm...
Lisa: I think we should see someone.
Björn: I don't want to talk to anyone about our sex life! It's private.
Lisa: I really think it would help. I work with a girl who said that her and her boyfriend have super hot sex now that they have gone and talked to an expert.
Björn: An expert? What, like a porn star or something?
Lisa: (Looking annoyed) NO, I mean a sex therapist. Someone who offers confidential advice on how having better sex, we can have a better relationship.
Björn: Well, how do they know what kind of sex we are having now? Do we just talk about our fantasies or something?
Lisa: I was thinking of something a bit more straight forward.
Björn: What! Like them watching us. (Laughs heartily and takes a big swig of beer)
Lisa: Umm...yeah.
Björn: (Spits out beer all over table, chicken, and Lisa) Whaaaat! Never. No Lisa, that is not going to happen.
Lisa: (Quiet voice) And it will....be umm....on.....television.
Björn: Now I know you're kidding.
Lisa: No, I'm serious Björn. I have a cousin who works at TV4 and she pulled some strings and we're going to be the first couple on a new show called "Sex Inspectors".
Björn: Let me get this straight, we have sex in front of the entire country on TV, then someone tells us how to improve it? And that isn't going to be traumatic for our social lives? I'm going to go to work the day after it is aired and people are going to be talking about how they watched some dude and his girl "get it on" on TV4. And that dude is going to be me. That dude will always be me. I will be known around the office as "Bad Sex Björn". All that so that our sex life can be better?
Lisa: The taping is on Monday. We should probably practice before hand. So that we don't look stupid.

Well, whatever. I guess somebody's making money out of it. And I guess that if they help just one person then they have made a difference...

K. Panda