American Panda - Why I Hate Cherry Pie (revised)
A long time ago I wrote a piece of prose called "Why I Hate Cherry Pie", it was full of me ranting and raving about how much I disliked cherry pie and why I felt it was inferior to other pies that I did enjoy. Well, here for your reading pleasure is a new and improved version of said essay. I hope you enjoy it (with or without ice cream)...
Cherry pie is gross. Maybe it is just me, but those glowing, red orbs of gooey nastiness nestled in a globule of syrup represent all that can be classified as nothing less than disgusting. Cherry pie is for truck stop fat asses that have just forced chili dogs and tater tots down their food holes. The mere thought of some waitress named Lulu placing a plate of this crap pie down in front of someone gives me the chills. Now cherry pie does embody quite a bit of Americana and with that said, I do not want to sound anti-American by hating cherry pie. I do love other pies such as apple and pumpkin. Its not a fruit thing and it is definately not a hatred for pies in general, it simply is this one type of pie that really just makes me feel sort of sick inside. Think of a cherry pie in all its putrid, rudolf-nose-filled glory and you too may understand my contempt. I don't mind cherries when they are in normal form, but once they are stewed and a serious amount of food coloring and sugar is added I get really, really, really turned off...you know why? Because I know whats coming next, a flaky pie crust that will serve as a bed for this mass of horrible cherry-esque entrails.
In the south, they love them some cherry pie. They say that nothing is better on a hot day than a delicious slice of cool cherry pie from the refrigerator. I have to strongly disagree. For me it would be a delicious Slurpee brand slush drink from my local 7-11. But, thats the south for you. I bet if I was walking down some street in the south and I smelled a cherry pie cooling on a window sill I would put on a little black mask and run up and steal it, just like in the cartoons. I know you are now saying to yourself, "but Russ, why would you steal a cherry pie if you HATE cherry pie?"...well, I will tell you why. I would steal said nasty pie in order to make it suffer a horrible, horrible non-digested death. First I would take the crusty, flaky top of the pie off and throw it on the ground for the birds, I am neutral to this part of cherry pie. Once I have uncovered the red balls of blah I would take them out individually, with gloves on obviously, and throw them at cherry pie loving people wearing white shirts. I would stain their clothes with the cherries so that every time they see cherry pie they think of that stain and how annoyed they were with cherry pie at that time. After that, they would never want cherry pie again and maybe just maybe it would cease to exist in this world.
In case you were wondering how I would know who to throw the cherries at just by looking at them, I can answer that too. There are two types of people in this world, cherry pie lovers and rational people. Those that love cherry pie are the same people that love American Idol, I Love Lucy, the circus, the Grand Ole Oprey, hog tying, NASCAR and above all they love living in states that are as red as the pie they love.
"Just Say No."
R Panda
